Or "This is how I Roll"
I woke up this morning and I knew I had to make cinnamon rolls. Christmas cinnamon rolls. Yesterday, I overheard someone saying that it was a tradition to wake up early on Christmas day and the whole family would gather and make cinnamon rolls together. I pictured them all coming down the stairs in their Christmas pajamas, smiles on their faces, fuzzy slippers on their feet. I imagined that they might break into spontaneous Christmas carols while everyone helped out making the Christmas cheer. They laughed, they sang, they ate delicious rolls together. Secretly I wished one of them would catch their pajama's on fire when they pulled the cinnamon rolls from the oven. I know I have been channeling the spirit of Ebenezer scrooge lately, but I decided to shake that off and bake some of that Christmas cheer myself.
I had no idea how to make cinnamon rolls so I googled recipes online. I was missing at least half of the ingredients for the first recipe. I checked a second one. I was only missing a third of those ingredients. I checked ten more recipes with the same results. I did not have time to go to the store and I was sure most of them were closed anyways, but I would not be deterred from creating that Christmas spirit from the warmth of my kitchen. I didn't care if I had to bake Saint Nicolas himself in my oven, but I was going to make those freaking cinnamon rolls.
I picked out a recipe which I was missing the least from. I opened the cupboards and began to browse the contents.
"Paul," I shouted ,"Could you read the list of ingredients on the computer screen?"
Paul browsed over the list.
"Joe," he said, "we don't have half of these things on the list. We don't even have eggs."
"I am aware of that, " I said "Just read me the list and I will see what we do have."
He read off the list and I searched for any of the ingredients I could find or at least anything that closely resembled them.
"You can always substitute real milk for the nonfat dry milk in the recipe." Paul contributed.
I turned and looked and Paul.
"Yes, I figured that one out." I said as I continued in the cupboards dusting off various boxes and bottles.
"Well," he said, " You aren't very bright. Plus, you hate to substitute items in a recipe. Remember the tacos."
I remembered the tacos very well. I hated to change up any recipe that I tried to make. I never subtracted any ingredient convinced that it could turn a meal into a disaster. Once I made a taco recipe that called for several ingredients that neither one of us liked. I made sure to include every last ingredient. I had one taco, Paul had half of one. The rest of the twelve went uneaten.
So there I was trying to figure out what I could use as a substitute for instant mashed potato flakes. ( What kind of cinnamon roll recipe uses instant mashed potato flakes you ask? I don't know, the kind that don't require eggs in them!). I was relieved to discover that there were no instant mashed potato flakes in the cupboard. I tried to picture mashed potatoes and what else reminded me of them. Peanut butter! Well sort of, they both were kind of creamy and smooth. I threw in a cup of peanut butter. It wasn't until I was kneading the dough I realized it wasn't the greatest idea. The dough was sticking to everything. My hands, the bowl, the counter. I was leaving a big sticky mess everywhere, but finally the dough was done.
Next, I wanted to start on the glaze. Luckily the glaze only required three ingredients: powdered sugar, vanilla extract, and half and half. I had none of those. I had regular sugar but not powdered sugar. I thought maybe if I just used a stone grinder I could crush the regular sugar to a fine enough powder. Then I realized that I had never owned or even thought about owning a stone grinder in my life. Instead I threw the sugar in the blender and hit the high button. Sure enough after about thirty seconds, the sugar was transformed into powdered sugar. Score one point for me.
The vanilla extract seemed a little trickier. I had a bottle of vanilla powder that I purchased some time ago. Maybe I could simmer that down into a concentrated syrup with some water. I checked the expiration date of the powder. 2004. I googled online to see how long vanilla powder was good for. Two years. I was seriously considering using it anyways when I remembered a story somebody told me about vanilla extract. Apparently one of the cooks in their restaurant kept getting in trouble for taking shots of vanilla extract on the job. Who knew, but vanilla extract is basically a vanilla alcohol. Maybe I didn't have Christmas baking cheer in the house, but I had plenty of alcohol. I looked in the pantry again and tried to find a bottle of alcohol that said "Merry Christmas. May your holidays be full of cheer and warmth." I stared at the Vodka bottle. Then I remembered that I had some dulce de leche liquor in the fridge. I took a small sip. It had a sweet flavor profile similar to vanilla. I took a whole shot. Perfect. As for the half and half, I just used the nonfat milk. Time to start on those new year's resolutions early. When I blended the ingredients together, it did closely resemble a glaze mix.
I waited for the cinnamon buns to cook in the oven and I started to realize it actually started to smell like a holiday in the house. (Did I mention that I partly used Ovaltine for the inside filling). I started to feel that thing they call the Christmas spirit. It was warm and enchanting.
"Hey Paul," I said "Maybe we can take a tray of these over to you grandma's party this afternoon so that your whole family can enjoy them."
I could see Paul wince and give a half smile.
"Maybe we should taste them first…" He said trailing off.
Twenty minutes later and they were done. I glazed them, arranged them, and I even tried one. Not too bad. My Christmas cinnamon rolls were a reality. Granted they were a Frankenstein, alcoholic ghetto version of Christmas cinnamon rolls. But they were mine. The house smelled great, the rolls looked decent. Christmas wasn't such a loss this year after all.
http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vaTE5NC5waG90b2J1Y2tldC5jb20vYWxidW1zL3o0NS9hemd1eTEwL3htYXMyMDA4MDAxLmpwZw==
My Christmas Cheer!
UPDATE: I later found out that the Christmas family made their cinnamon rolls from the canister, NOT from scratch
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