Thirty-One

Sometimes I think I am luckier than I can have imagined being. Today is reminder of all things I have gone through this last year. It felt like one long hospital visit after another for the most mundane of injuries. I thought it was the cloak of old age pulling over me, but instead I found it was a fresh garment of compassion for others.

I think I only half listened to others before, when they described their ailments, worries or concerns. I nodded and listened and examined their stance. Since they were standing upright I assumed they were fine. I knew what I needed to know about their condition. Upright meant alright.

This past year though, my ears opened a little wider. I learned to ask more questions. I learned to ask about numbers and tests and braces and casts. I learned about people learning to walk again. I learned about mothers guiding their blind children straight into trees.

I heard about hearts that stopped beating to start up again. I heard about hair falling out and being replaced with kindness in it’s stead. I learned about struggles that people carry with them wherever they go. I learned that pain and fear is inherent in every path of life.

I also saw kindness that was previously unseen. I saw flowers plucked from gardens given as gifts. Cards with jokes inside them with an intent to lift. I saw young people and rough people, with their arms around the old. I didn’t realize that there are already so many people in tune, knowing full well the end comes for all of us soon.

The hardest of things to see was those gifts that were left behind. The material things we give to others thinking they will have it for all time. The gifts stand but the person is long gone and we have to really think about what exactly we were giving.

The gifts stand alone as reminders of times spent and laughter shared. The gifts stand empty when a person is gone and you wish you had fillled a house full of gifts for them when they were alive to let them know where they stood.

If I could translate those gifts into more time spent with those loved ones I would, like so many of us would.

Instead I will translate them into lessons. Here is where the new year begins. It doesn’t need to bring health as long as it brings in kindness. And lessons lived from loved ones lost.

The Nightmare

As hard as it is to keep real life at bay, it still manages to creep up during those midnight hours.

Lately I have been obsessed with finding a new pair of shoes. It usually isn't such a production, I just pick something that I like and get it. Although after a month of searching, I still haven't found that one pair. Internally, I know what the real problem is. I am still in love with my old shoes. I know they need to be replaced...but where am I going to find new sleek black hi tops with velcro?

It comes as no surprise to me then that I find myself in the middle of a mall searching for new shoes. The great thing about a dream store is that the selection is a lot larger than most real places. I browse through the shoes trying to find the pair that I can't find in my waking hours. I find myself resting at a white table with four pairs of shoes.

I can see in my peripheral an attendant awaiting my decision. I pick up a pair of slim hi tops. They are brightly colored with handwritten designs that mimic graffiti. They are a bold golden color with black designs. I see the attendant watching me while I inspect the shoes. I check the price. (Pretty responsible for me, even in a dream!)

They are reasonably priced but I have a nagging feeling that something is wrong. The attendant frowns and casually walks over to me.

"Those shoes are bit young for you." she says with conviction. I shrug my shoulders and put the shoes down knowing she is absolutely correct.

I awake with a start. Why can't I just dream about zombies and aliens like normal people. At least those you can shoot with guns or drop with a high kick!